O,O,O,O CANADA

 

I

O,O,O,O

Canada!

Our home and not our natives’ land

 

Let us rise and be worthy of our forefathers—

whose noble courage their hearts did fire

whose mercantile masters their pockets inspire

who left far behind their native shores

and braved the perils of the stormy seas

in search of tea, of silk and spicy nubile Asians

to seek that elusive northwest route to China

but settled for being scalped by natives in Lachine.

 

Let us rise and be worthy of our forefathers

whose Ninas, Pintas and Santa Marias 

brought guns, rats and diseases

to this quelques arpents des neiges

to this land that God gave to Cain

who first bravely met the Christless Savage

and for God, King and country, toked peace pipes,

planted crosses, lied, signed and broke all treaties

to steal this land for you and me—

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

II         

O,O,O,O

Canada!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.

Let us rise and be worthy of our French forefathers

who are now famous streets, bridges

and statues for pigeons to shit on

who brought over those filles du roi to fill the cribs

with future first-round hockey picks

and those coureurs du bois whose great skills:

snowshoeing, paddling, portaging, smoking,

drinking, singing, spitting, and making babies

were surpassed only by their passion for

chasing beaver.

 

Let us rise and be worthy of our English forefathers

who were famous streets, bridges

and statues for pigeons to shit on

whose accounting Scots kept the books and cash

in immaculate, pillared banks

whose starved-out Irish filled the factories,

the taverns and the churches

and obediently, annually

made a fresh batch of babies

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

III 

O,O,O,O

Canada!

With glowing hearts we see thee rise

 

Let us rise and be worthy

of our anthem that we do not know,

of our history that we do not know

of our geography that we do not know

of our languages that we do not know

of our arts that we do not know

of our culture that we do not know

of our immigrants that we do not want!

              

Let us rise and be worthy of our glorious Queen

who graces our stamps and cash

of our Governor General

who licks and spends our Queen        

of our Bloc Quebecois

who Caisse-Pop our Queen

of our Liberals

who pork-barrel our Queen

of our NDPs

who would socialize our Queen

of our Conservatives

who are afraid of our Queens

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

 

IV

O,O,O,O

Canada!

From far and wide,

 

Let us rise and be worthy of our too few rich

of our few too powerful

who would be our leaders

whose ships fly foreign flags

whose factories are erected on foreign shores

whose profits are in foreign untaxed shelters

whose exploited foreign workers

dream of coming to these foreign shores

to be free and to do the same.

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

 

V

O,O,O,O

Canada!

The True North strong and free!

 

Let us rise and and couch potato

and be worthy of watching                                          

ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN!

 

of listening to

ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN!

 

of obeying

ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN!

 

Let us rise and be 86 cents worthy of America

selling us the American Dream

of America deep frying us into Ronald McShits

of America deep free trading us out of our minerals

of our forests, of our oil and natural gas and of our water

of America deep kidnapping our citizens to be tortured   

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

 

VII

O,O,O,O

Canada!

God keep our land glorious and free

 

Let us rise and go then

you and I: Autochthones,

Francophones, Anglophones,

Allophones & mobile phones

 

Let us be Johnny Canuck terrorists

Let us start a Jihad--after the playoffs

Let us be armed to the teeth with used submarines

Let us use our weapons of mass destruction

Let us drown them in Newfie Skreech,

Let us castrate them with PEI lobsters

Let us burst their eardrums with Nova Scotia fiddlers

Let us whip them with New Brunswick fiddleheads

Let us cholesterol them with Quebec poutine

Let us give them the Maple Leafs

Let us blast them with Manitoba winters     

Let us pelt them with prairie oysters

Let us stone them with BC pot.

Let us drive over them with our Yukon huskies sleds

Let us kick them in their Pentagon with our Inukshuk snowshoes

Let us saddle up our Royal Canadian Mounties

Let us mount our Bombardier skidoos &

bravely, ensemble, without passports, ride proudly

into the declining Empire’s headlights.

For again we need to stand on guard for thee.

 

VIII

O,O,O,O,

Canada

Let us stand on guard for thee

 

O,O,O,O,

Canada

We stand on guard for thee

Hostie

 

Feb 7, 2007